Spoilers for Revelations – sorry folks
For Spencer, dinner was a quiet affair. He didn’t say much, instead letting the others talk and share stories. He ate his food an tried to comment often enough not to draw suspicion. Inside, his mind kept running over everything that Sara had said to him. Every little fear of his that she’d taken and thrown up at him. One of the biggest was the family issue. He knew that Morgan would want kids one day. Part of Spencer knew that he did too. But he would never be able to provide Morgan with a kid that was biologically theirs. That was impossible. Was Morgan going to realize that one day and come to resent Spencer for it? So lost in these thoughts, he missed the random concerned glances that Morgan threw his way.
Once dinner was done, Desiree suggested they watch a movie. So the group made coffee and made their way in to the living room. Morgan settled against one end of the couch and Spencer didn’t hesitate to curl up next to him. In that moment, he really wanted to be held in Morgan’s arms. It made him feel a little more secure. Made him feel loved. Again he told himself this would be enough for now. He’d take what he could get.
There was the sound of laughter as the two girls sifted through the movies. What they finally picked, Spencer had no idea. Some movie he’d never heard of before and didn’t really care to see. But the lights were turned off and Sara ran to make popcorn. When she came back in with two bowls, she handed one to the boys and took the other to the love seat to sit with Desiree.
Morgan put the bowl on the table in easy reach for him and Spencer and then settled back in his seat, snuggling Spencer just a little closer. “Love you, baby boy.” He whispered into Spencer’s ear, quiet as the previews started and Desiree used the remote to flip past them. Spencer tipped his head up and smiled at his lover. “Love you too.”
Both men fell silent as the movie stared. Spencer lay snuggled into Morgan’s side, not paying any attention to what was on screen. He just let himself enjoy the comfort of cuddling with the older man. He loved lying together like this; the both of them did. It was relaxing and peaceful and eased some of the tension that was coiled inside of Spencer. As usual, he found himself slowly starting to drift. More so when Morgan curled his arm up, his fingers starting to run through Spencer’s hair.
Half asleep, Spencer sighed, almost melting into Morgan. Through half lidded eyes he tried to watch the movie, he really did, but he was becoming sleepy enough that it didn’t make any sense. Even the quiet murmuring over his head of Morgan and the girls exchanging comments didn’t disturb him.
He was almost asleep when he heard something that froze him completely. “Just confess and it’ll be over with.” A voice said.
Spencer couldn’t move. Had he been starting a nightmare? But he hadn’t even been asleep yet! Then the voice spoke again.
“Just confess your sins. Confess!”
There was the sound of something hitting flesh and a guttural cry.
The echo of pain ran up Spencer’s leg, coming from his foot. The voice on the movie warped, changing to a different voice, one that still haunted his dreams. His body went stiff as the memory assaulted him.
He didn’t hear Morgan cursing or feel how he scrambled for the remote. He didn’t even hear the movie turn off or Desiree’s exclamation of “What’s going on? Derek?” None of it penetrated Spencer’s panic. His mind was focused somewhere else entirely. The smell of fresh dirt filled his nose. Another voice, telling him “You’re weak! You’re all weak!”
I’m not weak! His mind screamed. No, no, I’m sorry!
Hands gripped his shoulders, pulling a whimper past his lips and making him flinch. No! Not again, no! Someone was talking, the words fading in and out. Who was that? “You know what this is? It's God's will.”
“Spencer! Come on, sugar. Come on, look at me!”
Wait, was that Morgan? That was Morgan’s voice. Spencer groped out to it, trying to pull himself out of the memories. He heard his name called again, a little more desperately, and he yanked himself from the memory with a huge gasp. The world around him came back to normal, the darkness of the room making him quiver all over again. He saw that Morgan had sat him up, turning on the couch to face him and grip his shoulders.
Morgan must have been able to see that he had come back because Spencer found himself yanked against his boyfriend’s chest. He couldn’t stop himself from shuddering and returning the hug as tightly as possible. A sob tried to break free.
Strong arms held him close. Morgan pressed one hand against Spencer’s back, the other one coming up to cup the back of his head. “I’m right here, pretty boy.” He whispered to him. “I’ve got you, I’m right here. I’m so sorry. I didn’t know that would be in there, sugar. I’m so sorry.” He cut off, feeling Spencer tremble. Morgan shifted, though Spencer couldn’t see what he was doing. Didn’t care, so long as his lover didn’t let go. Then he heard Morgan say “Turn on the lamp, Sara.”
Sara’s voice cut into their embrace as the light flickered on. “What on earth is going on?”
A huge tremor ran down Spencer’s frame. He breathed in Morgan’s scent, trying to chase away the scent of dirt. Of his grave. “S-Sorry.” He shuddered out. Before he could try and say anything else, Morgan was squeezing him tighter and shushing him. “It’s ok, it’s ok. Don’t apologize to me. I understand. I do. Just hold on for a bit, I’ve got you here. It’s me holding you right now. Feel my arms, sugar. You’re not there. You’re right here on our couch and I’ve got you.”
As always, Morgan’s voice and embrace helped chase back the demons. The more Spencer’s mind cleared, though, the more room it left for exhaustion and embarrassment to seep in. Some of the tension drained out of his body underneath Morgan’s gentle soothing.
“Spencer? Derek? What’s going on? Are you ok, Spencer?” Desiree asked gently. Next was Sara, her voice slightly annoyed, slightly confused. “Why’d you shut the movie off? What’s going on?”
“Just a minute.” Morgan told them. Then his voice turned gentle again. “Feeling better, sugar?” he asked Spencer.
Giving a soft shiver, Spencer nodded. He made himself pull back a little so that he wasn’t plastered to Morgan anymore. The embarrassment was starting to win out over everything. His eyes sought out the two girls on the love seat. Sara was sitting with confusion on her face and Desiree looked like she was battling to keep herself from rising and coming over to them to try and help. “S-Sorry.” Spencer told them. “I d-didn’t mean t-to r-r-ruin the m-movie.”
“Hush, pretty boy.” Morgan scolded him, stroking his hair. “You didn’t ruin it. It was a dumb movie anyways.”
“It was not!” Sara argued. “I was enjoying it. Why’d you have to shut it off? It’s not like it was scary. It’s just a movie.”
Morgan’s eyes flashed over to her, irritation bright in them. “Shut up, Sara. You don’t know what you’re talking about.”
Gently Spencer laid a hand on Morgan’s arm, hating the way it trembled even with that small action. “Derek, don’t g-get mad.” He whispered, working hard to not shiver and stutter. “She d-doesn’t know.” It took a lot of courage, but Spencer lifted his eyes to them again. He knew it wouldn’t be fair to just walk away without some kind of explanation, even if he didn’t plan on getting into all of it. “He s-shut it off because I h-had a f-flashback.”
“A flashback?” Desiree asked.
Worry creased Morgan’s brow. He started to say something, but Spencer shook his head, silencing him. “Yeah.” Dropping his eyes, Spencer looked down at where his hand rested on Morgan’s thigh, drawing strength from the man he loved. “I was k-k-kidnapped once. Tortured b-by a m-man suffering f-from DID. One of the p-personalities t-tried to t-torture me into c-c-confessing my s-sins.” His throat dried up, cutting off anything else he might have said.
That was enough for Morgan. He shook his head, gesturing at his sisters before they could say anything. Then he turned to look at Spencer. “Enough.” He said, his voice stern and loving. “That’s enough, Spencer. Your business is your business. You don’t need to tell anyone about it or explain yourself to anyone. Why don’t you go head back to the bathroom and start getting ready for bed? I’ll be back before you come out, ok?”
Exhausted, Spencer didn’t even bother to protest as he usually would to what was practically an order. He just allowed Morgan to help him to his feet and then headed back to the bathroom, trying his hardest to stay steady on his feet. All he wanted was to climb into bed and be held tight in Morgan’s arms.
CMCM
Once the bedroom door shut, Morgan sighed and slumped back on the couch for a minute. Well, damn. Damn. That had straight up sucked. He opened his eyes and looked over to where both girls were still watching him. “Sorry. Hate to cut the movie short.” He apologized. Sitting up, he offered them a grin. “If it helps any, you can take the movie home with you when you go.”
“What?” Sara asked in surprise.
Morgan chuckled. Rising to his feet, he stretched himself out, keeping one ear tuned to listen for Spencer. “Yeah, you can have it. That’s definitely one movie I won’t keep in the house.”
“Just cause of that? Why don’t you just watch it when he’s not home or something like that?”
That made Morgan chuckle again. “Well, I’m never really here without him for one. And I’m not going to make him see the movie on the shelf every time he goes to pick out a movie. No need to keep something here that triggers flashbacks.” His voice had turned serious at the end. God, he wished he’d known that part was going to be in the movie. He never would have let them watch it if he’d known. But the instant the man had first said to “confess your sins”, he’d instantly known and had tried to move. But it had already been too late. He hated seeing that terror in Spencer’s eyes. Hated the way his body would go stiff before starting to tremble. Most of all, he hated how badly it still hurt the younger man. That, even after all this time, the pain of that could come flashing back to him with the right trigger.
Desiree hesitantly asked “Was it really that bad, what he went through?”
Her question startled him. Morgan realized that he’d told them the bare strokes of what had happened back then in Georgia, but he’d never been able to give his sisters the details. They didn’t know the extent of what had happened. “Yeah, it was. He was in that guy’s hands for days. When we finally found him, the fucker was having him dig his own grave. Hell, we didn’t even save the kid. He saved himself. Somehow Spencer got his gun away from him and shot him. He’s never quite forgiven himself for that.”
That seemed to only confuse them more. Sara raised an eyebrow at him. “Forgive himself for killing a guy who was killing him? Ok, that doesn’t make sense.”
“Well, the guy suffered from DID.” At their questioning looks, Morgan explained it. “Multiple personalities. Himself, his dad, and another. The guy, Tobias, he was a good guy. He helped Spencer, saved his life even. But the other two personalities, they were the ones that fucked Spencer up. He hates that he had to shoot the guy cause he feels that Tobias himself wasn’t a bad guy. That he didn’t deserve that.”
The sound of running water drew Morgan’s attention. He gave a gentle sigh and stretched out his sore muscles as he rose. “I’m gonna go back with him. You two feel free to watch a different movie if you want, ok? Just put up the bowls when you’re done if you don’t mind.”
Desiree rose to move and embrace her brother. “Don’t worry about it. We’ll take Clooney out and clean up, too. Just take care of him and make sure he’s ok.”
By the time Morgan finally headed into their bedroom, Spencer was just exiting the master bath and moving to sit on the edge of the bed. He was in his usual lounge clothes, a pair of sweats and one of Morgan’s t-shirts, and he had his arms wrapped tightly around his waist. Morgan shut the bedroom door before crossing the room to his lover. He didn’t hesitate to sit down beside him and wrap his arms around him.
“I really am sorry about the movie.” Spencer whispered.
“Hey, come on now. I told you not to worry about it. The movie was dumb anyways. Didn’t you hear us mocking the plot over your head, pretty boy?”
Spencer shook his head and allowed himself to lean into Morgan’s embrace a little. “I was mostly asleep.” He admitted.
Soft, warm laughter brushed against his ear, soothing him a little bit more. “Go figure. I don’t know how you ever know what happens at the end of any movie. Halfway through and you’re usually out like a light.”
“Did you know they’ve done studies that show…?” Realizing what was coming out of his mouth, Spencer cut himself off. In the back of his mind he could hear Sara commenting on how he probably spouted off statistics in the bedroom, too. He couldn’t believe he was really doing that! She was probably right. What guy would want someone like that in their bed?
The grip on Spencer shifted and he winced a little, sure Morgan was going to be irritated with him now. Instead he found his head tipped up by a knuckle underneath his chin. He met Morgan’s eyes and saw only love looking back at him. “Studies show what, sugar?” Morgan asked. His voice was warm and soft, echoing with the same love that was in his eyes. “You’ve got me curious now.”
Still, a small part of Spencer wondered if Morgan was just humoring him. Most likely he didn’t really want to know. Who would? He bit his lip and tried to drop his head back down. That was a stupid move. The knuckle under his chin moved a little until Morgan had a firm grip on his chin, tipping his head up once more. The look in Morgan’s eyes was concerned, but there was a stern cast to his face. “What is going on, Spencer?” he asked. “Talk to me.”
“I…it’s nothing.” Well, that hadn’t been the most brilliant response. But when he was eye to eye with Morgan like this, it was hard for him to think up evasions. Words tended to come past his lips before he could stop himself. “I just realized statistics and studies probably weren’t pertinent to the conversation. I understand I can get a little frustrating on occasion.” Wow, like right then. He sure as hell hadn’t intended on saying that!
“I’ve never minded your statistics or studies.” Morgan let go of Spencer’s chin, dropping his hand down to rest on his lover’s leg. The contact warmed Spencer’s skin. “What’s running through that head of yours, sugar? Why would you think I’m frustrated by you?”
How on earth was he going to get himself out of this one? Derek’s always been perceptive when it comes to you. You two work together and practically live together; he can read you like an open book. “I just, uh, I just know I can sometimes come off, well, annoying. When I ramble and such, I mean.”
“Have I complained about it?”
“Well, no. Tease me, maybe. But…” A flush built in Spencer’s cheeks. He couldn’t look Morgan in the face anymore. His eyes drifted to the bedspread where his hand had moved to pick at a loose thread. “I doubt you want to hear it in the bedroom.” He murmured. The room was quiet for a long moment.
“I think it’s time for us to talk, Spencer.”
Morgan’s voice startled him after the long silence. Words dried up in Spencer’s throat and his mind raced, trying to think of a way to get out of this. Shit, he did notice something off earlier. You were an idiot for thinking you’d be able to keep your distress from a profiler! The last thing he wanted to do was tell Morgan that his sister had said the remarks she’d said. Not only because he didn’t want to come between the two, but because a tiny part of him was afraid that Morgan wouldn’t believe him. Or that Morgan would tell him it was true. The thought of those last two outcomes was terrifying. He didn’t think he could handle it if either of those happened.
“You know, I was thinking about it a little while we watched the movie.” Morgan said slowly. He scooted back on the bed, leaning against the footboard. The tone to his voice was casual but Spencer knew him better than that. He knew him well enough to hear the slight edge under his words. “Something’s been bugging you ever since I came home. You weren’t happy despite the way you smiled at me when I hugged you. But I let it go cause I didn’t want to press you with Sara right there. You clam up tighter than anything when pushed on your feelings and even more so if others are around. And all through dinner you were quiet, just picking at your food, not really paying any attention.”
“I ate…” Spencer tried to interject.
“I’m not done yet, Spencer.” Morgan said sternly. There was an edge to his tone that warned Spencer he was reaching the end of his patience. “Now, even here in our bedroom, the one place we’ve always knocked down every wall and been completely at ease with one another, you actually stop yourself from one of your usual rambles and suddenly you seem to think I’ll find it frustrating. Something happened, Spencer. I’m not an idiot. Something happened between you and Sara, I’d guess, as she was the one in the kitchen with you when I got home. Instead of me finishing my profiling here and getting more pissed off because I’m left guessing, I’m asking you to tell me what she said to you.”
There was no getting out of this now. No way to take Morgan off the topic without turning it into a big fight between them. As much as Spencer wanted to protect the relationship between the two, he didn’t want to sacrifice his relationship in the process. But maybe, if you choose your words carefully, you can downplay this as much as possible. He latched on to that thought.
“I…I wasn’t trying to hide things from you, Derek. Not really.” Spencer said. Shifting his weight around, he crossed his legs on the bed and rested his hands in his lap, his eyes automatically dropping down. “My intentions weren’t to start an argument.”
“I know that. That’s one thing that has me keeping my cool for the moment. Now, are you going to answer me?”
Spencer chewed his lip again, trying to think of how to do this. He really, really didn’t want to be doing this. “Sara and I, we just, we talked about a few things while you were gone. That’s all, Derek. The rest of the evening, well, I just…I was just feeling insecure.”
“Spencer Reid.” His name was said with a low growl that told Spencer exactly how irritated Morgan was now. “I swear, if you don’t tell me right here and now what she said to you to hurt you, and I know she said something, I will march down to that guest room and demand she tell me. If I have to do that, it’s not going to be just her I’m pissed at. It’ll be you too.”
“No!” Spencer’s head shot up, his eyes wide. “Derek, please, just drop it.”
“Like hell I will. Tell me.”
“Can’t you just let it go?” Spencer pleaded. He knew it was useless, but he couldn’t help it. “It’s not important!”
Morgan crossed his arms over his chest. “It is important if she said things to you she shouldn’t have said. It’s extremely important to me!”
All of a sudden Spencer found he couldn’t just sit there anymore. The feeling of insecurity filled him, mixing with his anger at Sara for saying those things and Morgan for pushing this, and pain from knowing exactly how much truth was in Sara’s words. He shot to his feet, arms wrapping instinctively around his waist. “You just can’t let things go, can you?” He snapped at Morgan.
There was a note of anguish to his voice, though he didn’t hear it. Just as there was pain in his wide eyes that had Morgan wanting to reach out and hold him. Spencer was oblivious to all of it. “She didn’t say anything to me that I haven’t heard from twelve different people at work. Things that I’ve thought to myself and wondered about and worried about. But that’s my problem to deal with. Why do you have to push this?”
Frustrated, Spencer paced away, moving toward the window. Emotion had him spinning back around, the look on his face stopping anything Morgan had been about to say. “Do you think I haven’t wondered why you’re with someone like me? Everything she said, I’ve already wondered. I know you’re the type of person who will want a family and kids and I know I can’t provide that. I know I’m a geek, I know I’m clumsy and I stutter and ramble more than I manage to talk normally. I’ve already wondered how a man as sexy and wonderful and kind as you ended up with a nerdy little boy like me.”
Morgan sat, stunned, as everything spewed from Spencer. He hadn’t been expecting anything like this.
“Do know how many people feel the need to tell me that they aren’t bothered by you ‘swinging that way’ but that they feel you could have picked someone better? Someone more suited to you? I already know that! I know that the way I spout statistics makes people uncomfortable, or they tend to think I’m trying to show my superior intelligence. I’ve heard countless people speculate on whether I talk in statistics in the bedroom, or even in bed. I’ve heard it all. You think I don’t already have those insecurities? But it should be my decision to talk to you about it!”
Spencer raised a hand, tapping it against his heart. “I’m the one that has to hear it. I’m the one that deals with the speculation and the taunting and the snide remarks. It should be my choice in how I respond to those. So your sister was a little more vocal about it than most? That is my business and I shouldn’t have to be pressured into telling you about it!” Spinning away, Spencer stared out the window, trying to regain his composure. Trying to lock the pain back down inside of him.
He heard Morgan moving behind him. A second later, warm hands settled on his shoulders, turning him around. Then those same hands were cupping his face. Morgan’s face was right in front of him, so full of love that it almost brought on the tears Spencer was fighting back.
“You’re right on one thing.” Morgan said softly. “You shouldn’t have to be pressured into telling me about these things.” He paused, making sure their eyes locked. “You should tell me anyways, without me having to push you into doing it. You should come to me when people, most especially a guest in our house, say something insulting to you. No matter if it’s my family or not.”
“You get overprotective of me.” Spencer whispered. “I didn’t want you to fight because of me, especially not with your sister. Not to mention, I am an adult. I can’t come running to you to fight all my battles for me, Derek. I have to stand up for myself. I don’t want you thinking I’m weak.”
“And I don’t want you walking around, carrying this kind of hurt in your heart. You don’t deserve that kind of disrespect. Ever. You are the most kind-hearted man I have ever known. I count myself blessed every single day you’re in my life, Spencer. So what if you’re a nerd? That’s never bothered me. Do I care that you ramble or that you rattle off statistics? Hell no. I love everything about you. What they have to say, what anyone has to say, it doesn’t matter to me. What matters is right here, right now. You and me.”
Spencer’s tears were starting to build, threatening to fall. He brought his shaking hands up to rest on Morgan’s waist. “I can’t help but…but be afraid sometimes.” He whispered. Here, now, it wasn’t as difficult to admit his fears. Embarrassing, yes, but not impossible. His eyes dropped down when he said those words, too ashamed to meet Morgan’s eyes.
“Of what, sugar? Of me?”
“That one day you’re going to hear what they have to say and come to the realization that they’re correct.”
He’d spoken so quietly he wasn’t sure if Morgan had actually heard him or not. But the hands on his face moved to pull him in so that he found his face buried in Morgan’s neck again. Then he was wrapped in an almost bone crushing hug. “Nothing, nothing, is ever going to take me away from you.” Morgan said vehemently. It surprised Spencer to hear what almost sounded like tears in Morgan’s voice. Had he made him cry? That thought was like being stabbed in the stomach.
“Derek.” It was the only word Spencer could say. He clung tighter to the older man, pressing them together as close as he possibly could. At the moment he wanted nothing to be between them. “I love you.”
“I love you too, pretty boy. Don’t you ever forget it.”
The two men moved their heads, lips seeking, finding one another for a kiss that sent heat straight through Spencer like a jolt of lightning. As always, he lost himself in his boyfriend’s touch, his lips. The heat built between them in a way that was so blessedly familiar and welcome. When Morgan deepened the kiss, his tongue questing against Spencer’s lips, the younger man sighed into him and opened his mouth. Then they were tasting and touching and Spencer felt like someone had suddenly lit a fire inside of him.
He didn’t realize that Morgan had moved them toward the bed. He couldn’t think beyond the hands that were fisting in the back of his shirt now, keeping him close. Or the heat of the body that was pressed flush against him. Then they were moving, Morgan practically lifting him as they slid onto the bed, Spencer’s body draped over top of Morgan’s, their legs tangling together, lips still locked. A low moan built in Spencer’s throat at the feel of their bodies pressing together.
When they broke apart, both of them were breathless. Morgan’s hands came up, brushing some of Spencer’s hair back. “You are beautiful.” The older man whispered. “Absolutely beautiful.” Leaning in, he pressed soft, gentle kisses to Spencer’s lips. “I love you, Spencer.”
Then he was rolling them over, gently pinning Spencer down to the bed. His lips moved, traveling over Spencer’s jawline, making the younger man moan softly. “Let me show you how beautiful I think you are…” Morgan murmured. Then he set about doing just that.