The ambulance arrived at the same time the rest of the team did. As they were pulling in the drive, Morgan and Will were gently helping Spencer shuffle around the body in the entryway and to the outside. Spencer’s broken wrist was cradled against his chest, the pain throbbing through it. He knew he shouldn’t have grabbed Michael’s arm with it but that had been his only option at the time. At least, it had felt like it had been the only option. Now, though, he had a feeling he had aggravated the break. They’re going to have to re-set it, most likely. Shit. They’ll put me in the cast this time for sure. He wrinkled his nose at the thought.
While everyone piled out of their cars, Morgan tried to convince Spencer to move towards the ambulance. The younger man took one look at it and shuddered before planting his feet. That sudden stop almost had Morgan colliding with him. “I am not going to the hospital in the back of that thing.” Spencer declared loudly. His chin tipped up, giving him a slightly defiant look. No one—not even Morgan!—was going to convince him to get in there. Way too many times he’d had to ride in the back of an ambulance. Why on earth would he willingly do it now for a broken wrist?
“Spencer, baby, we need to get your wrist looked at. It looks like it’s swelling inside the brace.” Morgan pointed out gently.
Raising an eyebrow, Spencer asked “So?”
His words seemed to surprise Morgan. “What do you mean, ‘so’? You need to get that looked at!”
“And I will. Once we get to the hospital. Where we’re going to go drive to in one of our cars.”
Surprise had Morgan’s mouth dropping open. “The ambulance is right there. They can take a look at it now, Spencer.”
He shook his head and straightened a little, ignoring the group of people hurrying toward him. His team could wait; first he had to convince Morgan that he wasn’t going in that ambulance or else all of them would try to gang up on him and make him go. “Now you listen here. I am not riding in the ambulance for a re-broken wrist. Now, grab your keys and I’ll willingly ride in your car and go to the hospital. I’ll let them re-set it and I’ll even let them put the stupid cast on. But I am absolutely refusing to ride in the back of an ambulance!”
“I swear, Spencer, I’ll pick you up and carry you over there if I have to.” Morgan gave him a look that said exactly how serious he was about this.
Spencer knew it was because Morgan cared about him; that was the reason he was so overprotective. That was why he wanted Spencer looked at right this instant instead of just waiting a little bit until they could get to a hospital. On the average day, Spencer would have either given in or found a way to gently lead Morgan to his side of things. But this had been a hellish day and Spencer swore he latterly felt the last of his patience slipping out of his fingers.
With a glare of his own, he stepped up nose to nose with Morgan and snapped “I may love you and I may not have two good hands to stop you with, but so help you if you try to pick me up and carry me over there I swear I will kick you. Now shut up.”
Laughter alerted Spencer that the rest of the team was there. Dave walked right up to him and slung an arm over his shoulders. “Knew I was right by adopting you.” He said affectionately. He looked Spencer over from head to toe. “Your hand the only injury?”
“Yes, Uncle Rossi.” Spencer said with a roll of his eyes. Humor lit them, though. He couldn’t explain the good mood that he was in. Really, it makes no sense. I should be upset. I should be worried because of Kevin and Emily being hurt. I should be scared after being held by Michael and disgusted with myself because of what I had to do. But I can’t seem to feel anything but this weird happiness. I just…I’m free. I’m finally free. That was the crux of it. The main thought that kept running over and over in Spencer’s mind, working as a buffer against any other thoughts. He was free.
Aaron stepped over and looked between the two men. “What exactly happened here?”
So, in short terms, Morgan told their boss what had gone down. While he spoke, Spencer noticed Will going back to the house, presumably to go to the children. It was an amazement that the kids slept through the entire thing. For that Spencer could only feel gratitude. He almost shuddered to think of what could have happened if they’d woke and tried to come out of the room or made some noise. But it didn’t happen. They’re perfectly fine.
The pain in his hand started to push to the forefront of Spencer’s mind. His other thoughts dwindled off as he felt the ache in his wrist grow and grow. His attention was snapped back to the present when Dave’s arm moved off of him and Morgan’s slid around his waist. Even when he wasn’t paying attention, he recognized Morgan’s touch. “Come on, baby boy. Let’s get you to the hospital and get that hand looked at.”
Spencer looked around him at his friends. They all smiled at him, Aaron nodding. “Go, Reid. We’ll meet tomorrow and take your official statement on these events and discuss anything that could come from this. Just go get fixed up.”
With Morgan’s arm comfortingly warm against his waist, Spencer nodded and let himself be led over to the car. No more words were exchanged between the two lovers; in silence they rode to the hospital, happy for the moment simply to be with one another and to be alive.
CMCM
It was hours later that Morgan was escorting Spencer into his house. Exhaustion seemed to drag at Spencer’s every step. He felt as if he could barely lift one foot to put it in front of the other. Somehow he found himself in the house and moving back toward the bedroom. Then Morgan’s gentle hands were sitting him down before the older man squatted down in front of him. All Spencer could gather the energy to do was watch as Morgan took his shoes off for him, followed by his socks. “I can undress myself.” He finally made himself say.
Morgan smiled when he rose, pressing a kiss to Spencer’s forehead. “You’re barely managing to sit up straight, Spencer. Now hush.” He laid Spencer back on the bed. Then he unhooked his pants, pulling them down his long legs, tossing them down to the floor. Spencer tried to gather the energy to sit up and undress himself, but he found that he couldn’t. The bed felt far too comfortable.
His shirt was left on. At the moment, he probably couldn’t have sat up even to let Morgan peel it off of him. Through half lidded eyes he watched as Morgan left the room, presumably to go and lock the house down. Then he was back, shutting off all the lights but a single light lamp, leaving the room with a warm, hazy glow. His eyes moved over his lover’s body as Morgan stripped down to his boxers.
Once he was dressed down for bed, Morgan pulled the blankets back and climbed in. As soon as he had the covers up, he rolled toward Spencer and reached a hand out, hooking it around the younger man’s stomach and pulling him into their customary spooning position. The softness of the bed combined with the warmth of Morgan’s body was pulling Spencer further and further toward sleep.
And yet…he found he couldn’t seem to shut his brain off. As exhausted as his body was, his brain was still racing, running over everything that had happened. He felt a small kiss press against the back of his neck. “Stop thinking so hard and sleep, pretty boy. There’s time enough for everything tomorrow. Right now your body’s been through hell and it needs to sleep.”
“I can’t stop thinking.” Spencer whispered. It was true. He couldn’t chase the images away.
“Wanna talk about it?”
Did he? Earlier he would have said no. Even with Morgan, the idea of talking about the events of the day seemed hard. There were so many emotions, so many different things that were going on in Spencer’s brain that he wasn’t sure how to vocalize them. But something about lying in this bed, spooned up with the one person he loved more than anything and who mysteriously loved him too, feeling that warm weight behind him—it just didn’t seem as hard anymore.
The words started before he even fully thought about saying them. “I can’t seem to make up my mind how I feel. Part of me is so happy. I’m finally free, Derek. He’s…he’s gone. But another part of me is sickened that I’m happy over someone being dead. What kind of person does it make me that I’m celebrating the loss of a human life?” He looked down at his freshly casted hand, resting on the pillow in front of him. “He wasn’t entirely bad, you know. He had good qualities to him.”
“Feeling that way doesn’t make you a bad person.” The words were just a murmur against his hair. “He put you through hell. Tonight, he almost killed you. You’re entitled to feelings of happiness. Of relief. That doesn’t make you bad, Spencer. It makes you human.”
He knew what Morgan said was true. But the words were hard to take in. “I can’t help feeling this way. If I’d spoke up sooner, tried to get help before, none of this would have happened. He could have got the help he needed. Kevin would never have been hurt. Emily wouldn’t have been shot.”
The hand on Spencer’s stomach tightened slightly. “Baby…”
“It’s true, Derek.” Spencer cut in. Now that he’d started, the words kept coming, his innermost thoughts pouring out of him. Things that were half formed yet were taunting him in his head. “Look at everything that’s happened because I let myself get into a stupid position. Look at the people who had to get hurt. You can’t convince me that it wasn’t because of me. I put all of you in a horrible situation and some of you got hurt. How am I supposed to deal with that kind of guilt?”
“Now you listen here and you listen well. This is not your fault!” Morgan’s arm pulled him a little closer. He didn’t lift up or move them to look at Spencer’s face, seeming to understand that the younger man couldn’t handle that right now. Couldn’t have this conversation if he had to look at Morgan’s face. “Yes, you should have got help sooner. But not because of us. Because of you. You didn’t deserve to be hurt, baby boy. But the fact of the matter is, you didn’t get help then. You got it now. Looking back and playing the ‘what if’ game isn’t going to change it. Guilt isn’t going to change it. All we can do is live with what we’ve all done and keep going on.”
Spencer closed his eyes and tried to calm himself down. He knew Morgan was right. None of these thoughts were going to do anything but cause him pain. They couldn’t change the past. All he could do was try and live a better life now. A better life with Morgan.
“I know you know all of this, Spencer. You’re a smart person; you know you can’t change what happened. Why don’t you tell me what’s really bothering you right now? What’s going on in that brain of yours that’s upsetting you so much?”
How on earth had he seen underneath those words to know that there was something more? The how of it didn’t matter. All it took was those simple words and Spencer’s heart gave a little throb while the words spilled over his lips. “I hate what I had to do, Derek. I hate it. I knew what I was doing, but I had to! It was the only way I could distract him enough. But it made me feel low and dirty and disgusting. I deliberately turned him on. I touched him. I played hurt and terrified because I knew it’d make him aroused. I squirmed and ground against him to encourage it! I, I…it made me feel cheap and…and dirty….” Tears cut off the rest of his words.
Morgan did shift them now, rolling Spencer onto his back. Immediately Spencer turned his head toward Morgan, trying to bury his face against the older man’s neck. But Morgan shifted away enough that he couldn’t. Then he planted little kisses all over Spencer’s face. The hand on Spencer’s stomach moved up to cup one of his cheeks, his thumb wiping away a few of the tears that had escaped. “I want you to listen to me now, Spencer Reid. No arguing until I’m done. Just listen, ok?”
“Ok.” Spencer whispered.
“What you did back there, it does not make you dirty. No,” He shook his head when he saw Spencer’s mouth open. “I told you, no arguing. I’m not done yet. You are not dirty or cheap for what you did. What it makes you is smart. I was at a total loss back there. I had absolutely no idea how to save you and I could see that he was going to kill me and take you away. It was the most terrifying thing I’ve ever had to live through. There was no way I could see that we’d get out of it. What you did, well, it was brilliant. You saved our lives. You used your knowledge of him, your own profile, and if I know you at all then I’d bet you analyzed every possible outcome before deciding that this was the only way to take care of things. Am I right?”
Blinking back tears, Spencer looked up at Morgan’s face and nodded. He couldn’t seem to find his words. Looking at the love in Morgan’s eyes—so strong, wrapping around him and holding him tightly—he found that he couldn’t say a word.
Morgan smiled warmly at him. “If your genius brain saw no other way out, then I believe that what you did was the only thing that could have saved us. You say it makes you feel cheap. Did you enjoy what you did to him, Spencer?”
“What?” Spencer managed to find his voice in his shock. “No!”
“Then you have nothing to feel cheap over. You did what was necessary to save your life and mine as well as protect Will and Henry and Jack. You were the hero of the night, baby boy. I’m proud of you.”
Those last four words shot straight to Spencer’s heart. He felt his eyes widen and his mouth drop a little. He could count on one hand the amount of times any had ever said to him that they were proud of him. To hear those words come from Morgan meant more to him than any of the other times combined. To not only hear those words, but to see the sincerity of them in his eyes. His mouth trembled a little when he closed it and his war with tears seemed to be lost. “I love you.” It was the only thing he could think of to say. Just three words, yet they summed up so much inside of him. So many things that he didn’t know how to express.
Bending his head, Morgan kissed Spencer’s lips. “I love you too.”
Oh so gently, Morgan used his hand to wipe away Spencer’s tears. Only when they were gone did Morgan lie back down. This time, he didn’t have to pull Spencer back against him. The young man scooted into the curve of Morgan’s body, relishing in the contact. When Morgan’s arm wrapped around him once more, he felt nothing but peace. Within just a few short moments, Morgan had chased away the demons of the night. Oh, Spencer knew that those demons weren’t gone. In one way or another they would always haunt him. But like with all the others, he would learn how to deal with them. How to move past them. And this time, he wasn’t going to do it alone. He had someone by his side that would be there every step of the way. With that thought, Spencer finally gave in to the demands of his body and drifted off to sleep, a little smile on his lips.