It took a while, but Spencer calmed down. The trembles stopped running through him, leaving behind just a slight quiver now and again. No tears came; it seemed that, for the moment, Spencer was beyond tears. No, he broke in other ways. Great, shuddering breaths that sounded like they were going to split him apart. It was almost like a tightly controlled panic attack. But not a single tear fell.
The whole time, Morgan held him close, keeping him in the circle of his arms as if by doing so he could keep him safe from any more pain. He wanted to go and find Spencer’s boyfriend and beat him until he was a bloody mess on the floor. He wanted to hold Spencer close and keep him safe for the rest of his life so no one could ever hurt him again.
They were profilers, for God’s sake! The entire team of them. Yet not a one of them had seen the signs of domestic violence! None of them had even considered the possibility. But as Morgan held his best friend, the person who had his heart, he could look back and perfectly see it all.
The way that Spencer had drawn back from them should have been a big clue. The kid had finally been opening up to them and growing more and more comfortable around the group and then suddenly he’d regressed to the shy, private, awkward kid he’d been when he’d first joined the BAU. Instead of being somewhat comfortable with touching, he’d gone back to jumping if someone touched him and keeping his distance from people as best as possible. They’d attributed it to Spencer just being Spencer and to him having a boyfriend in his life. Emily had suggested once that maybe Spencer wasn’t big on being touched by others because he didn’t want to upset his boyfriend with those kinds of casual touches. That maybe he felt they were disloyal. God, if they’d only known.
Morgan couldn’t stop the rage he felt when he thought of how Spencer had looked in that hospital bed as he told them he’d been mugged. The kid had looked nervous and scared, yeah. But that was a natural reaction to getting mugged and getting the shit beat out of you! He’d been so beat up that it had taken everything Morgan had not to go find the bastard who’d mugged his pretty boy and kill the guy. And Spencer’s boyfriend had been the one to do that to him! How many more injuries were there that they simply hadn’t noticed? How many times had Spencer come to work in pain and simply had done his job without complaint? How many times had they had to chase after an Unsub or walk the streets to work their case while Spencer had been injured and none of them had known? How could they not have seen?
“I didn’t want you to see.” Spencer whispered softly. He didn’t lift his head, keeping chin tucked against Morgan’s shoulder. It was creepy how the younger man’s words echoed the questions in Morgan’s mind. “You guys saw nothing because I let you see nothing. I grew good at hiding it.”
“We should have seen something, kid.” The words ached as they left Morgan’s lips. It was the truth. They were profilers; they should have read the signs. “Almost a year you’ve been abused and we saw nothing. There’s no excuse for that.”
“I don’t want you to be angry with yourself over this. This isn’t your fault, Derek.”
He squeezed his friend lightly. With one hand he stroked the skin over Spencer’s back, trying not to wince when he encountered something that felt like a scar. God, he didn’t want to know what that was or what had caused it. Not right now. But later, he would ask. Later, he wanted to know everything. “I can’t help feeling like I should have protected you better, Spencer. I can’t make that feeling go away.”
“I know.” Spencer pulled back and smiled at him. “That’s just part of who you are. That’s just how you’re made. But I need you to understand that I don’t blame you for this. I hid it from you, Derek. You all may be profilers, but I am too. I know how to use those skills just as well as the rest of you. It wasn’t that you were a bad friend or a bad profiler. It’s just that I’m a good profiler.” The cocky little grin at the end, with the hint of nerves around it, was pure Spencer. It was enough to have Morgan smiling back at him. That had Spencer letting go of his grip on Morgan to rub at his arms. “There, a smile. That’s better. Now, come on, let’s get ready to go. It’ll look suspicious if we’re in here much longer.”
Taking a few deep, calming breaths, Morgan brought his emotions back under control and let the tension slowly drain out of him. Spencer was right. They needed to think of the case right now. Later, they could talk. He looked Spencer in the eye and smiled. Now would be a good moment to break the tension and he knew just how to do it. “Fine. But if we’re going for authentic…”
With no more warning than that, Morgan grabbed him and yanked them both directly into the tub, almost toppling them over.
~~~(POV switch)~~~
Spencer let out a shriek that would embarrass him later on. “Derek!” He cried out. Then the water from the shower hit him straight in the face and drowned out any other protests he would have made.
Deep laughter echoed in the small shower. Spencer brought his hands up, moving wet hair from his eyes to try and glare at Morgan, who was grinning at him, just as soaked as he was. “What the hell are you doing?” Spencer cursed him. Yet, despite it all, he found himself fighting a smile. “My pants are soaked now.” The last was hissed, not wanting his words to be heard outside the bathroom.
“So are my clothes, pretty boy.” Morgan said with a grin. “But it was totally worth it. Plus, we’ll look like we showered now.”
For just a second longer Spencer held his glare in place. Then it simply melted away and his laughter bubbled up, mixing with Morgan’s. Riding that happy high, Spencer braced his hands on Morgan’s arms, trying to stay up straight as he laughed. Morgan’s hands were still on his waist from when he’d pulled them in to begin with.
As the mirth subsided, Spencer became aware of the heat on his hips, radiating out from the contact there. At the same time he realized that his hands were still pressed into Morgan’s biceps. The laughter on his lips died. Water continued to course down between them, slicking their skin, making Spencer tingle slightly. With the little will he could muster, he tried to step back, to move away from the strong, attractive body in front of him.
The hands on his hips tightened just enough to keep him in place. Surprised, Spencer looked up, Morgan’s name on his lips. “Derek?” It came out with just a slight tremble, embarrassing him. At least, until he met Morgan’s eyes. Then Spencer was mesmerized. Morgan was looking at him with an expression he’d never seen before. It was almost, hungry. He tried to speak again but couldn’t bring any words out. All he could do was stare into those dark eyes.
Nervous, he pulled his bottom lip between his teeth. Something was happening here. What, he wasn’t quite sure. But he knew it was important. Whatever that look was in Morgan’s eyes, it was extremely important. Spencer felt like so many things in his life hinged on this one single moment and whatever outcome there was would change his life.
The next moment would forever be burned into both their memories. Together, it seemed, they moved in that little distance that separated them. Not a single word was spoken. With just an inch between them they stopped, slightly hesitant. Morgan was the one who leaned in that last, little bit until their lips pressed together.
A small sound came up Spencer’s throat, somewhere between a moan and a whimper. Every part of his brain seemed to simply shut down so he could think of nothing but the sensations that filled him. The feel of Morgan’s lips on his, their bodies pressing together, the feel of Morgan’s wet shirt pressing against his chest, the heat of hands on skin, the tingle of the cooling water from the shower pouring over them. Never in his life had he been so overwhelmed by sensations like this.
The kiss deepened, a warm tongue flicking out against his lips. Without conscious thought, Spencer parted his lips, moaning when Morgan slid his tongue in. It was heaven. It was too much and not enough. He couldn’t think, couldn’t breathe. Could do nothing but hold on to the strong body that was pressing into him while his mouth was ravaged with the most passionate kiss he’d ever experienced.
When they broke apart, a whimper of loss slipped out. The whimper turned into a gasp when Morgan’s mouth moved down his jawline, trailing over his neck. He tipped his head back while the sensations swamped him. Nothing had ever felt this good! His hands tightened on Morgan’s arms as Morgan’s mouth moved a little lower, nipping and sucking on his collarbone. The loud moan that slipped past his lips would have embarrassed him at any other time but he was too lost to care now. All he wanted was more.
Morgan moved back up, their lips coming together again with so much heat and passion it made Spencer’s head spin. His hands slid up Morgan’s arms, wrapping around his neck to try and hold on. He was afraid that if he didn’t, his legs would simply give out beneath him.
Their bodies shifted under the spray, turning until Spencer found his back pressed against the shower wall, the cool tile a sharp contrast to the heat of the body that was suddenly pressed full length against him. Spencer gasped at the contact. It was everything he had ever wanted and never dared to let himself dream for. Morgan was here, in his arms, kissing him like he was the most desirable person in the world. No one had ever wanted him like this. And he knew that Morgan wanted him. Knew it was more than just an act. The arousal that pressed against his through wet clothes was testament to that.
Breaking the kiss, Morgan moved his head toward Spencer’s ear, nipping at the lobe and making Spencer gasp and tremble. “Quit thinking so hard, pretty boy.” The warm, sensual whisper made him shiver. “Just feel for once.”
Just feel? As if he could do anything but! His brain wasn’t working right. Thoughts were scrambled, a sensation he hadn’t known was possible. All he could do was feel. “Derek.” The word was a plea this time, slightly high and definitely needy. He felt the warm chuckle by his ear before a kiss was pressed to the side of his neck. The hands on his hips shifted, running up and over his sides, stroking the skin and leaving warmth in their wake.
“God, Spencer. Do you know how hot you are right now?” Morgan murmured to him. The older man rolled his hips, making Spencer gasp again. Instinctively he pushed back, enjoying the pleasure it brought. “You’re so damn sexy and so responsive. So fucking beautiful.”
No one had ever called him beautiful before. Spencer tightened his grip on Morgan’s neck, trying to shift him back for another kiss. Oh, the man could kiss! But Morgan chuckled again and kept skimming his lips over Spencer’s neck. “Do you know how long I’ve wanted you, Spencer? How many times I’ve dreamed about doing this?”
“You…you have?” The words came out as a stammer. He couldn’t quite make his voice work just right. When one of Morgan’s hands moved over his stomach and up, pinching at one of his nipples, he made a strangled sound, his hips rolling again without him really realizing what he was doing.
Morgan pulled back to stare at Spencer’s face while he touched him. It was both flustering and arousing. To feel Morgan’s eyes on him, practically drinking him in, left him feeling self-conscious and yet it turned him on even more because he could see the desire in Morgan’s eyes.
“I have.” Morgan said huskily. “So damn long, Spencer. I just never thought you swung this way so I kept it to myself. Then when I finally got the balls to say something, we found out you had a boyfriend and I thought I lost any chance with you.”
The word boyfriend was like a jolt to Spencer. All at once Michael flooded his mind. Oh shit….what the hell was he doing? Spencer felt his eyes widen and his body tense. He was cheating on his boyfriend! Barely gone for a week and he was cheating on his boyfriend! Michael was right about him. He was just a bad as Michael said.
Those sobering thoughts had Spencer drawing back in on himself. He released Morgan’s neck, trying to pull his hands to wrap them around himself. He wanted to pull his body away but there was nowhere for him to move it to.
He saw when Morgan realized what he’d said and what he’d caused. Faintly, over the spray of the water, Spencer heard a muttered “Dammit.”
Suddenly Morgan’s eyes were locked right on his and Spencer found that he couldn’t look away, no matter how much he wanted to. “I’m sorry, Spencer.” Those words weren’t what he’d expected to hear. “I shouldn’t have kissed you like that. No matter what’s going on with Michael, I shouldn’t have just mauled you this way. God, you must think I’m an ass. I’m sorry, pretty boy.”
Morgan was feeling guilty over this? That thought baffled Spencer. Because of that shock, he found his voice. “You didn’t maul me. I could have said no or pulled away. I, I don’t think you’re an ass. Not at all.” He said softly. It was the truth. He could have said no, but he hadn’t. Guilt twisted at his insides.
One of Morgan’s hands slid up to cup his cheek. “No, sugar. This is on me. I could tell just by how you responded that you’re inexperienced. I shouldn’t have pushed so hard. All I can say is that I got caught up.”
“I’m not inexperienced.” Spencer defended himself. His eyebrows furrowed down. What on earth was Morgan talking about? “I…Michael and I…” Suddenly embarrassed, he felt his cheeks flame. Doing, this, was one thing. Talking about it was something else entirely.
A gentle look came into Morgan’s eyes. “Sugar, you responded like a starving man. Doesn’t…doesn’t Michael ever touch you like that?”
Images filled Spencer mind. He remembered their first time; the pain and the blood he’d cleaned up afterwards. All the times since then that he’d had to clean himself up in the morning and wash the sheets. Michael had never touched him like this. He just, he took what he wanted. The more pain involved, the more it excited Michael. He told himself it was his own inexperience in this, not a fault of Michael’s. What did he have to judge the experiences against? Maybe that was how it was for all gay couples. Thinking of it, Spencer shuddered, his throat drying up.
That just seemed to make Morgan’s eyes even sadder. “Ah, pretty boy.” Leaning in, the older man pressed their foreheads together. “You’re worth so much more than what he gives you. You deserve to be with someone who appreciates you and loves you. Someone who would take the time to touch you and show you how good it can be. You don’t deserve to be hurt like this. No one should mar that porcelain skin.”
Before Spencer could think about it, the words in his mind slipped out his mouth. “I’m not.”
“Not what?”
“I’m not worth it.” He could barely make the words loud enough to be heard. Suddenly, though, he couldn’t keep them inside. This was the first time, ever, that he’d been able to talk about this to anyone. The words seemed to trip over themselves in the haste to come out. “I don’t mean to make him mad, but I do. I can’t seem to figure out why. I’ve analyzed it every way that I know how and yet I still manage to always do the wrong thing. I should have walked away a long time ago. I tried, I really did. I thought maybe I didn’t deserve this. Maybe this wasn’t right. But, after he made me stay, after what he said, I realized how weak I am. A stronger person wouldn’t have stayed. A strong person would have run. But I, I did stay and I slowly began to see how right he was. Everything he says is right. I’m not strong, Morgan. I’m not a good person.”
The soft press of lips against his stopped him in mid speech. Then they were gone as quickly as they’d come. Closing his eyes, Spencer shuddered. What was he thinking, telling all this to Morgan? What was he doing? But, it felt so good to just talk. To tell someone what had been screaming inside his head for so long. It felt good to tell it to Morgan.
When the hand on his cheek moved, lightly holding his chin, Spencer couldn’t make himself open his eyes. But he heard every word Morgan said to him. “You are not weak, Spencer. I want you to understand that right now. You are not weak. You’re one of the strongest people I know.”
“I’m not.”
“Hush. I’m talking right now.” Morgan said, cutting him off. When he was sure Spencer was going to be quiet, he continued. “You are the best damn person that I know. You’re kind and brave and smart and beautiful. Even when I thought you were straight and I never had a chance with you, I still counted myself blessed to have you in my life, even as a friend. I still do. No matter what ever happens between us, I know that I’m blessed to have a friend like you. You’re a wonderful person. Nothing, and I mean nothing, could ever make you deserve being hurt like this.”
It was all just too much to take in. Too many feelings, sensations, even words. He couldn’t wrap his brain around all of this.
Morgan seemed to understand. His hand moved off of Spencer’s chin, reaching over to shut off the water. “Come on, let’s get out of here. All of this, it can wait, pretty boy. We have time.”
That was true. They did have time. They were going to be here for a while. All of this didn’t have to come out now. Spencer opened his eyes and looked right at Morgan, nodding. They would talk more later, but for now, this right here was enough.