From his seat on the couch in their jet, Spencer Reid sighed and leaned his head back. They were flying home at the end of a grueling case and all he wanted to do was lose himself in the peace of sleep. Maybe there he might escape the images of the dead for just a short while. But sleep wasn’t meant to be. Just as he got comfortable, his phone rang. He didn’t even bother opening his eyes as he lifted it and answered it.
“Dr. Reid.”
“Hey, Dr. Reid. It’s Julie.” A female voice said. Almost instantly Spencer was upright in his seat, staring at the window across from him. He knew that the others had glanced over at him but he didn’t pay attention. His entire being was focused on the phone in his hands. Julie was a nurse at Bennington. He could never chase away the fear that when they called, they were going to tell him something horrible.
He licked dry lips and forced his voice to come out sounding normal. “Hey, Julie. What’s going on? Is everything ok?”
“Oh, your mom’s fine, Dr. Reid. Don’t worry. It’s just, well, I know we’ve talked before when you’ve been here but I’m filling in right now for Daisy, who usually does your Mom’s medication.”
Tension drained out of Spencer, only to be replaced with a different kind. He sat back in his seat, one hand coming up so that his fingers rubbed at his temple. He knew what this was about now. He knew, even as Julie tried to stammer out what she was saying. “Daisy has in her notes that, if your mom is refusing meds, to call you before sedation or anything else.”
“Go ahead and put her on, Julie.” Spencer said with a soft sigh. How many times had he done this for his mom? How many more times would he have to do this?
Suddenly conscious of the others on the jet, Spencer rose and moved to the small kitchen area. It wasn’t totally private, but it was the best he was going to get. His mom was more important than his feelings of embarrassment.
A second later his mom was on the line. “Spencer?” Her voice was high, worried. “Spencer, baby, is that you?”
“Hi, Mom. It’s me.”
“Oh, Spencer, it’s so good to hear from you!”
“You too, Mom.” He closed his eyes and tried to keep his voice low enough that the others wouldn’t hear, but loud enough that she’d hear him. “Mom, Julie says you won’t take your meds.”
The line went silent.
“Mom…”
“They’re tricking me, Spencer. I won’t take them, I know what they’re trying to do! They’re trying to poison me!”
It was the same, always the same. He could practically recite the words she would say. But, at least she sounded semi lucid. That made this a whole lot easier on him. “Mom, no one is trying to poison you, I promise. Do you think I’d let them do that to you?”
“But you’re not here! Why can’t you be here, Spencer? They try to poison me while you’re gone. Why can’t I just live with you again?”
“I’d love to be with you right now, Mom, but I can’t. I’m working.” He wasn’t even going to address her living with him. That would only hurt the both of them. “But I need you to take your meds for me. It’s important.”
“They’re lying to us, baby. I know. I heard it. They’re playing a trick on us. My…my friends told me.”
Oh, man. Spencer turned his back towards the rest of the jet, indulging himself by pinching his fingers over the bridge of his nose to try and chase away the headache that was starting to brew nastily behind his eyes and in his temples. “Did they tell you that I’m lying to you, Mom? That I’m playing a trick on you?”
Diana Reid sounded shocked. “What? No! Never! They told me how nice you are. Of course you are. You’re my son! They even helped me chase away the monsters. Taught me to step on them and squish them so they won’t get me when I go to bed.”
“Well, Mom, they trust me and you trust me, so I want you to listen, ok? I need you to take your medication when Julie gives it to you. I promise it’ll make things better. It’ll make them go away. All of those horrible things will be gone, ok? This medicine helps with that.”
“I…what? All of them?”
“Of course, Mom. They can’t stand the medication in your system. It scares them off.”
“You…you aren’t helping them, are you?”
The accusation stung, as it always did, even though he knew that she couldn’t be blamed for her mental state. His voice was just as calm and soothing as it was before. None of his inner turmoil showed in his words. “I would never do that. I love you, Mom. I’m trying to look out for you. That’s why I had Julie work there with you, and Daisy. They’re there to keep you safe and to keep them away. Ask Julie. Ask her if I hired her to help keep them away.”
He heard the phone move, heard his Mom’s demanded question and he thanked everything when Julie answered that of course he was right, that’s what she was there for. Then he heard something being passed from Julie to his Mom. A silence, then “These will really help? You promise?”
“I promise, Mom.”
“They’ll make it go away?”
Oh, I wish. I wish it would. “Of course, Mom.” I’m sorry I have to lie to you. I’m so sorry you’re stuck there.
He heard the cup move and the familiar sound of her pills being dumped into her mouth. Then another pause to drink water. When it was all done, he praised her lightly, thanking her for taking them. “I’m glad you did, Mom. Thank you so much.”
“Are you sure you can’t come get me?” She tried, as she had so many times before. “I…I’ll be good. I’d be really quiet at your place. You wouldn’t even notice I was there.”
More like you wouldn’t notice either one of us were there. “I love you too, Mom. I know you like where you are, it’s just a bad day today. But don’t you enjoy Julie and Daisy and Stephanie? They’re really nice ladies, aren’t they? They take very good care of you.”
“I suppose.” She mumbled. “I just want to come home.”
Hearts could break, he knew. Break into thousands of pieces, again and again and again. “I’m sorry, Mother.” Words he’d uttered so many times in his life. “I’ll come see you soon, ok? I promise. I thought I’d bring a few new books with me.”
Instantly she was perked back up. “Really? Oh, I can’t wait!” And then she was gone, the phone passed off to Julie who came back with a smile in her voice. “Thanks, Dr. Reid. Daisy always says there’s no one who can handle her quite like you. We might’ve had to sedate her if this hadn’t worked.”
“No problem, Julie. Anytime you need my help with her, no matter what it’s for, my number is always open.”
“Thanks again, Dr. Reid!”
When Spencer hung up his phone, he stood completely still for a moment. Tears burned the backs of his eyes. He hated doing this! He absolutely hated listening to that broken note to his Mom’s words. Hated the guilt that ate him from the inside out each time she begged to come home. No matter how much time passed, she always asked, always hoped for a different answer. Most likely she didn’t even remember asking him the previous times.
He took a deep breath, forcing the emotion back down, locking it up inside. Right now was not the time to break. He needed to walk back out there and get back to work. He had to be an adult and deal with his problems later.
His legs were steady as they carried him back over to the couch. There was only a slight tremble to his hands when he picked up the files that he’d been reading before. Studiously he ignored the looks his friends gave him. He couldn’t handle seeing the expression on their faces. His control was tenuous as it was.
So intent was he on not breaking that he didn’t notice Morgan reaching across the couch for him. Didn’t realize it until the folder was pulled from his hands. “What…?” He turned to look at his best friend, who stared seriously back at him. Then Morgan’s hand reached out, hooking around his shoulders and pulling at the same time that he scooted over, making it so that Spencer was fitted perfectly against his side with his head on Morgan’s shoulder and Morgan’s arm wrapped around him.
First instinct was to move away. To sit up and brush it off and tell Morgan he was just fine, that he didn’t need to ‘cuddle’ with his friend on the jet. The others were there and could all easily see this moment between the two best friends. But just as Spencer made to move, Morgan’s cheek rested on top of his head and he heard his best friend whisper “I’m sorry, pretty boy.”
Sorry? Why on earth was he sorry? None of this was his fault. Spencer opened his mouth to say just that and found himself instead saying “I’m used to it.” Now, where had that come from? It was the truth, but that hadn’t been what he’d meant to say.
“I know you are. Doesn’t make it any easier.”
Wasn’t that the truth. Again, Spencer found himself speaking without thinking. “I hate having to do this to her. I hate making her stay somewhere she doesn’t want to be.”
The arm around him squeezed in a silent offering of comfort. But Morgan said nothing. He didn’t offer the usual words that most people did, telling him how it was best for her and he was doing the right thing. Morgan said nothing. Maybe it was because Morgan didn’t say any of those that Spencer found himself talking once again.
“She always asks me to bring her home and I try so hard to gloss over it or to apologize. The hard part is, I know she’ll forget the conversation and the next time she’s feeling that way, she’ll ask me again. There are some days I don’t want to answer the phone when I see whose calling. But I do. I always will. She’s my mother and I love her. If talking to me gets her to take her medication, then I believe it’s the least I can do for her. I owe her so much.”
To Spencer’s surprise and shame, the tears he’d been battling before were burning in the backs of his eyes. He couldn’t seem to push them back, or even to stop the torrent of words that was now flowing past his lips.
“I’ve taken care of her for so long I don’t know how to stop myself. She has always been my Mother, but more often than not the role of the parental figure fell on myself. I made sure she bathed and ate and took her medication. I held her when she was crying and terrified that someone was going to come in the house and kill her or when she’d think the monsters she saw were real and after her. I stood guard over her with a knife because it was the only thing capable of convincing her that she was safe to sleep.”
He brought his hands up to his face, pressing his palms into his eyes in an effort to stop the tears. His words were so low he didn’t know if Morgan or anyone else could hear him. But he couldn’t stop them. He didn’t notice that the jet had gone silent as everyone’s eyes rested on him.
“I was always there no matter how bad the episodes got. When she was convinced I was trying to kill her, I stayed there and talked her down. When she came at me with a knife, thinking I was someone trying to impersonate her son, I took the first cut so I could get close enough to disarm her without hurting her. I’ve been her lifeline for so long and I’ve done everything I can to take care of her. But, God, I hate it sometimes. Some days I just, I want to run so fast and so far that none of it can catch up with me. I want to tell the doctors that it’s their job to take care of her now, not mine. But I can’t. I want them to be the strong ones now. But they won’t.”
His hands dropped and his eyes slid shut as the pain of it overwhelmed him. Never before had he dared to speak so much of it out loud. Morgan had sat there the entire time, holding him close, rubbing his arm soothingly. Now, as he sat there, curled into his best friend and fighting his tears so hard that it blocked his throat, he felt Morgan’s other arm come around him in a tight hug.
“You’ve been so strong for so long, pretty boy.” Morgan murmured to him. “You were always so alone. But you’re not anymore. You don’t have to shoulder this all on your own.”
A sound alerted Spencer that someone was coming close. Shame kept his eyes screwed tight, even when he felt the couch shift by his feet and someone’s hand rest on his leg. Then Hotch’s voice flowed toward him, strong and sure as it always was, a kind of anchor in any situation. “We may not be able to deal with your mother for you, Reid, but we can be here for you afterwards.”
More footsteps. Then, “He’s right, kiddo.” Rossi said gently. From the sounds of it, he sat on the couch across from them. “Being an adult doesn’t mean you’re not entitled to a little break down now and again. It doesn’t mean you have to try and cope with life all on your own. We’re a family here. We take care of our own.”
“And you’re one of ours, Spence.” JJ said gently, her voice right in front of him. Close to her, he heard Emily as well. “When you go through this, you don’t have to do it by yourself. One or all of us will be there to give you whatever you need afterwards. A chance to talk, a place to vent, a shoulder to cry on. Or even a simple hug, no questions asked.”
The battle with tears was completely lost. Feeling them stream down his face, Spencer opened his eyes, looking around him. He looked at Dave Rossi, who sat across from him with a small smile. JJ, kneeling by his knees, her head leaning to rest there near Hotch’s hand. His boss, smiling in a way that he usually only did for his son. Morgan, a solid presence holding him tight, anchoring him in reality, offering comfort in a way he knew Spencer was always too afraid to ask for. Emily, sitting cross legged on the ground, leaning against Morgan’s knee and looking up at him. One of her hands came up, sat right there in front of him.
Maybe they were right. Dealing with his mother would always fall to him. He knew that. But maybe he didn’t have to deal with it all on his own. Maybe, if he could just force himself to let his guard down and grasp the hands that were reaching for him, offering him help, he might be able to finally find the peace he was looking for.
Swallowing his pride, Spencer did the one thing he had never fully allowed himself to do. He pushed down the walls he always kept between himself and others. Hand shaking, he reached out, taking Emily’s steady hand into his own.